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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29240463">Half the World Away</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hvilmo/pseuds/hvilmo'>hvilmo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>One Direction (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Larry Stylinson Is Real, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 10:14:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,080</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29240463</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hvilmo/pseuds/hvilmo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"The days just went by, and even tho Harry tried to talk to him multiple times, he always made up an excuse. It now has been six days since the day, when everything could have gone perfect but he ruined it. It hurt to think about it."</p>
<p>Or the one where everything's going well but Louis'  past experiences ruin it. Harry's broken and nobody's sure if he'll make it..</p>
<p>Suicidal thoughts, suicide, self harm and possible ed TRIGGER WARNING!<br/>And don't worry, it ends better than you'd think from this..:)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Harry Styles &amp; Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Louis got home and ran into his room. His room… It was weird to think about it like HIS room. He liked the phrase OUR room way better. But for two days now, it was only his. Harry left. Right after the incident, as he called it. <br/>Two days earlier everything was fine. Harry proposed to hang out and Louis said yes right away. Oh those fucking butterflies… He tried to act normal, but the thought of spending a day with Harry, that feels like a date just made him so happy. Oh and that smile Harry gave him… His little dimples were showing and he looked so adorable. Louis just wanted kiss him so bad but… He was afraid. Not of Harry’s reaction. He was pretty sure Harry wanted it too. But the the fact that he was gay, still scared him. Not that he had anything against gays. He just remembered way too clearly the way they treated his old friend. They beat him up and if Louis tried to do anything against it they’d beat him up as well. In his old town everyone was homophobic, except for his and his best friend’s family. So he was kinda scared of what people will think if he turns out to be gay. Or bisexual. It didn’t really matter.<br/>Before the incident, he was just becoming okay wit the fact that he’s probably gay. If he was worried, he told about it to Harry, and he always could calm him down. He would just tell him that being different isn’t bad and just the fact that Harry was a proud bisexual, made him believe it okay for him to be the same. And also his hugs… He was getting taller than Louis and when he and Louis cuddled it felt like he could forget all his problems. He knew sometimes they looked like a couple but unfortunately it wasn’t what it looked like. He wanted it to be true but the ’Larry Stylinson’ realitonship was just a friendship. Or at least it used to be. ’Cause after the incident Louis didn’t talk to Harry. He knew he hurt him but he was scared and ashamed, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to talk to Harry normally. And also, he thought, Harry can’t be more hurt than I am. He looked fine. Or at least that was what Louis hoped. He didn’t even really looked at Harry for two days now.<br/>He looked around in his room. He thought he was doing fine but he actually wasn’t, as he realized now. His room was always a mess but it looked even worse now. Now that he was thinking about it, he barely ate and drank the last two days. He got up and went to the kitchen for some water. On his way back, he looked into the mirror. He looked terrible. At that moment he heard the bathroom door open behind him. As he looked that way he saw Harry coming out so he sprinted back to his room. He didn’t want to have to talk to Harry.</p>
<p>The next day went by pretty fast. They were recording in the studio. The only thing that caught his attention was that Harry messed up his solos way more often than usual. He was confused but didn’t really think much of it.<br/>After they got home and had lunch, everyone went to do their own things but Louis didn’t have anything in particular, so he just stayed in the kitchen. He thought he was alone, but he looked up he saw Harry standing in the corner. He got up to leave but Harry’s voice stopped him.<br/>„Lou, can we talk?” he asked.<br/>„I- I’m sorry I” he started but his phone’s ringing cut him off. He picked it up. It was Simon, telling him that he needed to go on a date with Eleanor because they haven’t been together in public in a while. For once he was happy about the date and he sighed before ending the call and facing Harry. „I have to go out with Eleanor so not now” he said, maybe a bit too happy. He saw how Harry’s face went from hopeful to sad. He now wasn’t happy with the date, but he didn’t have a choice. He got ready and went out with his girlfriend.</p>
<p>The days just went by, and even tho Harry tried to talk to him multiple times, he always made up an excuse. It now has been six days since the day, when everything could have gone perfect but he ruined it. It hurt to think about it. That day was so good. They went to the mall and just hung out. Harry made him try on some clothes and for once he actually felt beautiful and handsome. Harry just made him believe he was worth something and wasn’t as useless as he thought. Harry made him so happy. After they finished shopping and eating they went to a park. At this point it really did look and feel like a date.<br/>And then… Harry leaned in and…<br/>He didn’t want to finish this thought. Till this moment the memory was so beautiful. But no, he had to ruin it. He slowly realised it was all his fault. But he couldn’t help it anymore. He sighed. He was on his bed again, just thinking and slightly crying. He got up and went to the kitchen for water. He heard someone enter the room.<br/>„Can we talk?” Liam asked shyly.<br/>„Oh yeah, of course” Louis sighed. He was happy it wasn’t Harry. „What do you want to talk about?”<br/>„Well… you won’t be happy but I want to talk about you and… Harry.” Louis felt the air get stuck in his lungs. „Look I understand that you don’t want to talk to him but… ahh… Could you just tell me what happened on that day? He’s not himself since then and I know you know what happened. Please, we’re seriously worried about him.”<br/>„I’m- I’m sorry I can’t really tell you. It’s just that… I fucked up a moment and I know I hurt him but I just can’t look him in the eyes and-” he felt the tears streaming down his face. He quickly apologized and ran back to his room. Harry left one of his sweathers at his old room and that became the only thing that could calm Louis down. He grabbed it, hugged it and cried in his room for a while.</p>
<p>The next day was the same as every other. Now that Louis wasn’t happy, all the days seemed to be tha same. The same, boring thing he had to do everyday became so fucking tiring that it almost physically hurt. He hated every second of it.<br/>The past few days he noticed that Harry locked himself in the bathroom, when everyone else was done there. He stayed there for an hour usually. Louis didn’t understand what was happening. What could he do there? He couldn’t figure it out.<br/>It was late, like 11p.m. when he heard glasses clattering from the kitchen. He walked in and saw Harry putting something into the trash. He took a big breath. Here’s your chance, don’t fuck it up, he thought to himself.<br/>„Harry can we talk?” he asked.<br/>„Yes.” he responded coldly.<br/>They sat down in the living room, and Louis started talking, after taking a big breath:<br/>„Okay, I know I’ve been treating you terribly the last days but… Could we be friends please?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Harry’s POV (well kinda… it’s the same as it was just, you know what Harry thinks y’know)</p>
<p>„Could we be friends please?” he asked. Harry almost choked on air. ’Really? After he… did what he did? Liam said he was sorry but… he’s not even sorry!’ he thought.<br/>„Last days? Louis you’ve been ignoring me for a fucking week! Do you think that fits the definition of a friend? ’Cause it really doesn’t! If you were a good friend, or even a friend of mine, you’d always be there when I need it! But you really aren’t. I’m on my fucking knees, it’s obvious for everyone that I’m not okay, it’s like I’m bleeding, and the only one who magically doesn’t notice it, is you! What a coincidence right? And you wanna know what’s wrong? Well, maybe the fact, that after giving me so many hints you just left me alone and let me tell you, it kills me that you’re not around! And your fucking reason was ’You know I can’t be your girlfriend’. Well guess what! If you didn’t fucking leave maybe you would have understood that you’re not my girlfriend, but you can be my boyfriend! But no you ran away! Don’t fucking pretend that makes us nothing! For the love of god, tell me you don’t miss this feeling! You know what? I’m starting to see who you really are. And I don’t like it. Our whole fucking ’history’ is just like a sad story you’d heard from your parents. And you rest everything, me, you and our happiness on a fucking movement and these three words? You know what I’m talking about. And let’s be honest here. I tried to talk to you. But no, Louis fucking Tomlinson has too much pride for that, right? I walk back to you till my feet hurt but you just go away with some fucking obvious excuse! Tell me that wasn’t enough! Tell me that’s not good enough! If I knew that I wouldn’t have tried. But I hoped you wanted us to be okay too. I guess not. I gave up. I started drinking because of you. I don’t even know half of what I’m thinking anymore. I’m deep in, and everyone, including me, is scared I’ll stop breathing one night.  We’ve really started to lose who we are. I know you’re not okay either. But I really gave up this time. And on top of that, we’re in the same fucking band so I can’t even just forget about you. ’Cause there’s always a time, or a place and I’m always gonna hear your name. There’s a right and a wrong, and now that you left me I see that all along. But it’s too late. I messed up, and as I see you’ll be fine faster than I will be. I’m gonna sleep alone tonight again, even tho I can’t even sleep like this. And I’m never gonna be the fucking same. You ruined me. And now you’re like half the world away. In every possible way. I want you around but you won’t be here. Why are we going down, you ask?  I always saved both of us but I’m tired of it.” Harry ran out of breath at this point. He immedietly started regretting everything he said but he just got up and continued: „Now you know everything. Now you know how much it hurt hearing you say those words. Have a great fucking night, Louis Tomlinson” and he left.<br/>As he got in bed, the memory of the incident came into his head. He didn’t even try to stop it.<br/>As he leaned in and… finally, after all this time… kissed Louis. Lou had been telling him for a while that he’s pretty sure he’s gay or at least bi. He was a bit worried but Harry could always calm him down. That day they already ’almost kissed’ a few times and it was always because of Louis. So Harry kissed him in the park. And he kissed back. It was the best feeling ever. It just felt so natural and right. The butterflies in his stomach went crazy. „I love you” he mumbled. But after a few seconds Louis pulled away and looked at him in disgust.<br/>„You know I’m not a faggot, why are you trying to turn me one?” he spit the words out. This wouldn’t have hurt him. He’s had thicker skin than that and he heard things like this many times. But hearing it from the person he loved more than himself was worse than hell. He felt the tears stream down his face and could barely see Louis running away.<br/>He didn’t even try to stop the tears. He cried the whole night. He knew tomorrow will be rough like this but he didn’t care. He just let the pain take over him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was right. Even getting up was hard, he didn’t even want to think about the day. But as he walked out of his room, he noticed Zayn, Niall and Liam talking on the phone with Simon.<br/>„Okay, so we can do whatever we want to, right?” Zayn asked.<br/>„Yes, but don’t forget you only have two days. On Monday you have to get back to work. Liam, I hope you’ll take care of them” Simon said and they could hear he was smiling.<br/>„Of course” Liam rolled his eyes. Everybody knew he was overwhelmed because he always had to look out for everyone. <br/>„Okay. Have a great day guys!” Simon said and ended the call.<br/>„I can’t believe this! Like it’s great but… wow!” Niall was completely shocked but he was definitely happy. He started dancing and tried to get Zayn to do so. He didn’t succeed but it was a good try. Harry didn’t want to be apart of this so he left. Luckily, noone noticed he was there. He went back to his room. If he didn’t find the boys in the living room, he would’ve had breakfast but this way he just drank a bit of water and tried to distract himself by reading.<br/>After like ten minutes Niall and Zayn knocked on his door and after he agreed to it they came in.<br/>„Okay Harry, so guess what!” Niall started. „We got two days off and we’re going out today do you wanna come?” It was hard to understand what he was saying. Harry slowly started smiling.<br/>„That’s great Nialler but no thanks. I’m tired, I really could use some sleep. But have fun you thre- I mean four if Louis is going.”<br/>„Well we haven’t asked him but I hope he’s coming. You know what, I’ll go ask him!” the blonde boy said and bursted out of the room.<br/>„You’ll be okay, right?” Zayn asked. He looked really worried. „Don’t do anything… stupid that… that you’ll regret later.”<br/>„Don’t worry Z, I’ll be fine. I’ll just sleep. I barely slept last night.” Harry said slightly smiling at Zayn. Zayn sighed and left.<br/>The time flew by, and suddenly Harry heard the boys walking past his door, saying goodbye to him and closing the door. He took a big breath. He was finally alone. He could do whatever he wanted to. But… the thing was that he really didn’t want to do anything. He knew he wasn’t himself. He could almost feel this last week, as he slowly lost himself. He couldn’t laugh anymore. He didn’t have any reasons as to why he should get up and do something. But he couldn’t sleep either. Literally everytime he wanted to sleep or even just stopped everything and started thinking, he could only think about one thing. Louis. How much he loved Louis and why he had to fuck it up. Also, first he only blamed Louis but he now he felt like it was his fault. And last night… he was way too harsh. He felt bad for Louis, but when they started talking he just finished drinking and well… cutting. He looked at his wrist. Yes, he deserved it. It hurt but it was his punishment for hurting Lou. But at the same time… Why did Louis do this? Why did he have to confuse Harry this much? Now they’re both fucked. Oh, how bad he wanted it to end…<br/>And this was the moment he realized. He could end it. Just… Just end it all. He got up and went to his desk and pulled out a drawer. He picked up the little container and went back to his bed. He stared at the tablets. He got them a while ago, before he became friends with Louis. Louis helped him so much. But now he was the reason the tablets were in Harry’s hands.<br/>He got some paper and a pen and started writing letters. <br/>He wrote one to Niall, about how he made him happier on his bad days and how he was happy he could be friends with the irish boy.<br/>He wrote one to Zayn, about how he was thankful to have an honest and loyal friend in Zayn. He thanked him for looking out for him and helping him.<br/>He wrote one to Liam, about how he was thankful that Liam cared for all of us and always tried to protect him. He also told Liam that he wanted them to say, he left because he couldn’t take his heart breaking anymore. He told him, he wanted them to stay together and continue the band. <br/>He apologized to all of them for leaving. He signed them with his iconic ’Love, H’ and put them in envelopes.<br/>He had to write one last letter. The one for Lou. He ended up writing a short one.</p>
<p>Dear Loubear,<br/>I’m so sorry for everything. Hope you can forgive me. I tried living like this but I just can’t. I missed and will miss you. Just know, you deserve the world and Lou… you’re amazing.<br/> I loved and still love you,<br/>Haz</p>
<p>When he finished, he grabbed everything and put the letters in front of the boys’ doors. He slowly walked into the bathroom. He knew he was alone but he still locked the door. He sat down and grabbed his blade. He cut four big scars. One for each of the boys. And the two more for his mother and sister. The people he cared about and he knew he was going to hurt. And then… he looked at the pills. He knew he needed ten of them. Ten little white pill, and in half an hour he will be free. He won’t feel pain, he won’t feel guilty anymore. It made him happier. He hoped everything will be fine. Just take them, he thought. And so he did.<br/>10<br/>9<br/>8<br/>7<br/>6<br/>5<br/>4<br/>3<br/>2<br/>1</p>
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